JEWISH MOTHER JOKES
Just imagine if these folks actually HAD a Jewish Mother. She might actually
have said:
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent
on
braces?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how
hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across thePotomac, you can
kiss
your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis
long
past your curfew!"
And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something
about your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the
last
forty years."
Jewish Mother's Answering Machine:
If you want chicken soup, press 1;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 2;
If you want varnishkas, dial 3;
If you want knishes press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since
nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
Last Wishes
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over the shopping mall.
"Why the shopping mall?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
No Pressure!
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son,
the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
Mrs. Goldberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in
her life. She was asked to step behind a screen and remove her >clothes
so the doctor could examine her. At some point during the examination, Mrs.
Goldberg said, "Excuse me, doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Certainly," the doctor replied.
"Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you
make a living?"
Rugalach, a Love Story – A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
An elderly Jewish man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Rugalach wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and,
with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven. There, spread out on paper towels on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite Rugalach. Was it heaven? Or was it
one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the
wondrous taste of the pastry was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a piece at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the
after.”
A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his
first day of kindergarten.
"
Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and
think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"
And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your
Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her
son and hugs him.
"
So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors,
and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give
to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first
said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I
had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The
third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with
chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading
the Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't
see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite
the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had
to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the temple. Let
me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and
verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The
thought was good. Thanks.
Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.
A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, and
how are you."
"
Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The
son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because, I
haven't eaten in 38 days."
"
Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten
in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my
mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
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Hilarious parodies of Broadway musicals
you know and love!
