GENERAL JEWISH JOKES

From Morty Wright

Guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Marvin. Now he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor.

So, a couple of weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Marvin into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it .... it's too salty and it
gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? Must be over 2 months ago!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed....stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Marvin can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know." says the dog owner. "But he has a hearing problem. He thought I said, "Kvetch."

The Rabbi's Hat

Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the schul. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it.

A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him.

The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars.

After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 ... the longest shot in the field.

Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat, I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by 5 lengths"

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"The horse Stetson won and I collected big money."

"You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.

"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last"

Angrilly the father said "hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau'. You lost all that money because of your ignorance!!!!! Tell me who won the race anyway?"

"A long shot that sounds like it must have been a Japanese horse....... it was named 'Yamaka'."

A man walks into his temple with a dog. The congregation's shamus approaches him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the men look very carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a yarmulka and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shamus, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"

"You talk to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."

The Tao of Zen Judaism

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote,
you never visited.
And who's fault was that?

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget these simple things and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving-kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East.

Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted as I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"

" No, Morris" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Association pledge?"

" Oy no, I haven't sent the check!!"

Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"

" Oy Morris I haven't sent that one, either!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks him, "So what are you laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us!"

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask a small favor?

Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, Jesus is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein shop.

There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"

" Sure, sure," replies Jesus.

" Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

" Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful.

Finally, they come up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein shop ...Are you ready for this?

"LORD & TAYLOR"