CULTURAL JEWISH JOKES
Yeshiva University decides to field a rowing team. Unfortunately,
they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for
hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy
on Harvard, the perennial championship team.
So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the
Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily
practices.
After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their
secret," he announces.
"What?! Tell us! Tell us!", his teammates shout.
"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe,
seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked "Yes or no," she
replied.
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck".
At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known
many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but
this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and
forgot to write a letter.
Signs on Synagogue Bulleting Boards:
- Under same management for over 5763 years
- Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbat
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Come early for a good seat
- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
Channukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- Come on Baby Light my Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Channukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Channukah stamps please"
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vay,...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me
6
orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named
after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No,"
replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use
more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention
that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed
her the study results, which stated:
"Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's
because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
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Hilarious parodies of Broadway musicals
you know and love!
